I wrote this in either 1995 or 1996, and it was put on the web pretty soon thereafter. This was back when the whole Web had about three people on it, and two of those were alternate accounts. Here's that document in all its adolescent glory.
Taking knowledge of the potential offensive powers of food beyond sending Tang™ into outer space, I and my associates will see whether Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts {filled with tasty Smuckers™ jelly} are potential threats to national security.
Plus I have an unbelievable amount of spare time.
I, James Clinton Howell, am willing to sacrifice one $8.95 toaster and two Kellogg's Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts in the name of science, technology (or rather "burning things IN technology, more specifically, a toaster"), and the free world.
Plus this will be extremely cool.
The only person I know of who has done work in this genre of science is Paul R. Michaud, who has posted his results on his personal WWW page. His web address is:
http://www.sci.tamucc.edu/%7Epmichaud/toast/
I will put two Kellogg's Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts {FSPT} into a cheap toaster, and watch the combustible results as I disallow the ejection of these tasty Smuckersô filled breakfast treats. The only real danger here is the threat of PTM {Premature Toaster Meltdown}.
I'll bet these FSTP's won't be quite the tasty Smuckers™ filled breakfast treats after the experiment as they were before.
• Two (2) Kellogg's Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts
• One (1) metal toaster
• One (1) fire extinguisher
• Too Much (∞) free time
The Pop Tart subjects, when interviewed, turned out to be highly suicidal. My associates and I thus reasoned that if these Pop Tarts were going to die, then by God they'll die in the name of science and pyrotechnics!
The toaster, when interviewed, shot out toast up 5 inches into the air, thus allowing the toast to make a complete revolution. We interpreted this as a cart-wheel of joy, and of compliance.
• Pop Tarts go in Toaster.
• Toaster handle go down.
• Pop Tarts stay down.
• Pop Tarts go BOOM!
• Tester and associates go, "Yes! This is SO cool!"
• Tester and associates go bowling.
I and my main associate, Andy Birk, waited on Andy's driveway for our other two associates, Josh Godbee and Christine Woizekowski. Sadly, neither showed up until the experiment was over. So, showing the same courage that was held by Columbus when he sailed the Pinta, Nina, and Yugo into uncharted waters only to find out the Yugo is even more worthless on water than on land, Andy and I braved it alone.
First we set up the cameras and recording equipment. Then we safely secured the toaster handle with massive amounts of duct tape. Then we set the toaster in the middle of Andy's driveway. When we went for two subjects (out of the 12 we had purchased at Publix Supermarket for $3.98), we found that four of them were missing. While no concrete evidence can support this, it is the committee's strong opinion that one subject was consumed by the tester's sister, two were devoured by the tester's father, and one was mistaken for an odd shaped piece of fruit by my main associate, Andy.
On the way to the toaster, this tester found one of the subjects to be quite tasty. Sadly, only one of the subjects made the journey to the toaster. Thus another trip was in order to bring the toaster to capacity.
Then we plugged the toaster in.
As the toaster was set on the highest setting, we knew that the FSPTs were going to get very warm very fast. However, when the toaster decided it was time to pop it's handle up, it found that the duct tape prevented this. Soon, a rather noisy buzzing sound came from the toaster. Then it started humming, with minute-long intervals. By now there was a lot of smoke coming from the FSPTs. Also, the aroma of burnt strawberries was especially strong.
Soon a few sparks began to jump from the top. Then came the flame. While the flame was not as pronounced as this tester had hoped, it was quite substantial. At best, it was about 1 1/2 times the height of the toaster.
The buzzing noises had continued throughout all of this. After a while, the noises stopped for a longer duration of time. This signified that it was time to unplug the toaster.
After we unplugged the toaster, we logically deduced that with out heat, the FSPTs would no longer burn. To our surprise, however, they continued to blaze for a good 5 or 6 minutes. After that, the flames reduced to ashes.
Still to our amazement, the shapes of the ashes were sort of FSPT-like. Even greater to our surprise was the fact that the embers continued to burn for a good ten minutes.
Satisfied, we waited for our other two associates to arrive. The remaining test subjects were dealt with in smaller, less flammable consumption exercises.
Then we went bowling.
While subtle to the untrained mind and eye, there were differences between the Frosted SPT's and the Non-Frosted variety.
{a} Noise: With the Non-Frosted variety, the humming was perpetual until it finally died. With the Frosted SPT's, however, the buzzing came on and off every minute or so. This suggests that either there was a difference in the toaster's make-up or that the Frosting acts as a time-release so that the signs of imminent rupture are less obvious. In the tradition of science, we reject the former, more obvious conclusion.
{b} Flames: The Non-Frosted variety produced larger flames than the Frosted variety, but the Frosted flames seemed to last longer even after the outside heating source had died. This suggests a deeper intelligence within the Frosted SPTs that allows them to control themselves, rather than lash out like it's savage, Non-Frosted brethren.
More evidence to support this can be found if you leave the opposing Pop Tarts on a kitchen counter for weeks. The Non-Frosted one will merely turn green and spoil, while the Frosted kind will morph and evolve slowly, following the chart shown below:
One Week --------- Frosted SPT
Two Weeks --------- An Olsen Twin
Three Weeks --------- Muppet
Four Weeks --------- A Football Helmet
Five Weeks --------- Spam
Five Weeks and a Fortnight --------- A Wombat
This suggests that either Smucker's knows a lot more than they're telling the public, OR this tester has a very over active imagination and spends WAY too much time thinking about these things.
I, James Clinton Howell, would like to thank the people who helped with this. First and foremost, my main associate Andy Birk. Without him there would be no documentation beyond this report.
Thanks to Joshua Godbee and Christine Woizekowski for.... well... I guess for planning to be there, then being late, then helping with the smaller, less flammable consumption exercises.
Thanks to everybody who has done research in this area to help bring things to where we are now. Such as Paul R. Michaud.
Thanks to my folks for not being the responsible adults they should be and stopping this in it's tracks. And thanks to Andy's mom for pretending to believe my reasoning that this was for the good of mankind and that her driveway would go down in history .
We do not warrant minors doing this experiment without adult supervision. Some would ask, "Well, you're 16! Who are you to be talking about minors?"
To them we say, "Omigod! There's a bee in your hair!". Then we kick them in the shins and run. So kids, as a responsible scientist, I'd have to discourage trying this at home where there is the potential to do some major personal property damage.
Go to a friend's house.
Web design for Adilegian copyrighted 2006 James Clinton Howell.